With Friends Like These, It's Best To Get It All Down in Ink, Or How Sobchak and Kaufman Killed Surrogate Decision Making

In recent classes we've debated the topics surrounding surrogate decision making from acting on advanced directives to substituted judgment standards in the context of end-of-life determinations. We haven't yet tackled the same decision making questions that arise for surrogates when a loved one dies before stating precisely how and what the ceremony of remembrance might be. However, to keep it light, I'll offer as exhibits, scenes from popular culture that might shed light on why the state might not be crazy about granting family and friends the final say. Specifically, I would like to look at the untimely passings of Donny Karabotsos and Gram Parsons.

In the penultimate scene of the Coen Brothers' cult classic, The Big Lebowski, Walter and The Dude perform the last rites of their dear friend, Donny. Despite his generosity, loyalty, and other personality traits that would have made him the perfect Thurbian, hen-pecked husband or ever prudent older brother, poor Donny has apparently died without family members through blood or marriage. Therefore, the Falstaffish Walter Sobchak serves as master of ceremony on a stage made of beach dunes to an audience of one, The Dude, thus:

"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."

And after butchering Hamlet, Walter empties the coffee canister serving as an urn against the wind covering both The Dude and himself with Donny's remains. Now, while Walter claims to be acting in accordance with what he thought Donny's dying wishes might have been, suffice it to say such wishes probably didn't include being dusted over his friends' faces after an evocation of Nam flashbacks. In the Dude's own words, "With friends like these...."

Rock'n'Roll has had its fair share of morbid death scenes, but the passing and subsequent events surrounding the death of Gram Parsons has to be the most bizarre. After founding the Burrito Bros., composing the Byrds' best album and writing songs for the Rolling Stones, Gram Parsons came back to California to get clean. That's right...came to California to get clean. By the late 1960s, Parsons would routinely disappear in the desert near Joshua Tree while under the influence of psilocybin or LSD. On the last occasion he was accompanied by Margaret Fisher and the infamous rock'n'roll roadie, Phil Kaufman. Tragically, Parsons died at the age of 26 from a lethal combination of morphine and alcohol. At this point things get strange.
Prior to his passing, Parsons was reported to have said that he wanted his body cremated at Joshua Tree and his ashes spread over the prominent Cap Rock. Parson's stepfather however arranged for a private ceremony in New Orleans and neglected to invite any of his friends from the music industry.
Acting on his alleged promise, Kaufman borrowed a hearse and managed to purloin Parsons' corpse from the airport security and drove out to Joshua Tree to commence cremation ceremonies. Needless to say the nincompoop Kaufman was not trained in cremation and instead thought pouring five gallons of gasoline into an open coffin and lighting a match would do the trick.
It didn't. The half burned remains were eventually returned to Parsons' step-family, who claimed that Gram's body was only 60% mutilated. Other reports emerged that Kaufman left 35 pounds of Gram's charred body in the desert. Kaufman was arrested not long afterwards, however since there was no law on the books against stealing a dead body at the time, he was only fined for stealing a coffin.
The lesson to be learned from both accounts is to purchase a Moleskine and a Sharpie and write it all down. Do not leave any important decisions regarding your health or body left to the idiocy of family and friends. Have fun with it...imagine every Edward Goreyian tragedy that could befall you, and the likely and not so likely damages you might suffer...and provide instruction.

http://comunidad.ciudad.com.ar/argentina/capital_federal/visualmix/vonzai/gorey.html

W is for Wyatt who was guillotined by the Deans.
Instruction One: If my head can still listen to music, keep me alive and start shopping my resume.
Instruction Two: If music is no longer an option for me, get me a gig in a John Carpenter film and then off to organ donation or plastination.
Instruction Three: Please do not gasoline and alight me. Please do not powder your faces with me.
Instructions Four: Songs to be played at the wake: "Sweep Out the Ashes in the Morning," "Don't Let the Sunshine Fool You," and "Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye."

Begging you to write it all down,
JWD